Ideas for the Parent Who's Alone This Holiday
The thought of spending Thanksgiving or Christmas Day without your children may fill you with dread. But if you are separated or divorced, the reality is that you might be alone for the holidays this year. Instead of pushing the thought out of your mind or becoming anxious, a better option is to create a plan of action.
Your plan can be just for the day or it may encompass an entire weekend or week, depending on your situation. But having activities set in place ahead of time—whether quiet activities at home, get-togethers, or volunteer work—will equip you to counter any negative thoughts with something good when unwanted emotions threaten to take over.
Here are some suggestions from other people who’ve come up with creative ideas of things to do during their holiday alone and ended up enjoying the time. You may be interested in incorporating one or more of their ideas into your holiday plan. Or perhaps their suggestions will spark some good ideas of your own.
Plan a day focused on all your favorite things:
“It was Christmas Eve and my children’s father came and picked them up for the weekend,” shared Linda, “but I had planned ahead. I did a bit of furniture arranging. I bought myself flowers in advance. I bought myself what I wanted to eat. I bought myself a special piece of cake. I doled these things out to myself all weekend.” How about a special book or a movie just-for-you? A new or borrowed video game? Maybe a scented bubble bath by candlelight?
Volunteer to help others in need:
Mike joined his niece and her husband in visiting an assisted-living retirement home on Christmas morning. “We sang some carols for the senior adults. That helped me to not focus on my own situation and problems but to try to bring joy to someone else. It was effective.”
You could also volunteer to help serve a holiday meal at a shelter, nursing home or hospital. Consider baking and delivering cookies to shut-ins, making encouraging phone calls, or giving a pot of soup to someone who is sick. The possibilities are endless. Find out what opportunities are available in your community.
Take a vacation:
The first year JoAnne faced Christmas without her husband, she took a trip to South Florida. “I felt like I was skipping Christmas in a way because South Florida doesn’t really feel like Christmas, and that helped me a lot. It was very enjoyable.”
Reconnect with an old friend:
Paul’s ex-wife took their children out of the country for the holidays. So he called an old friend, one he hadn’t seen in years, and made plans to spend the holidays with his friend’s family. “It was a tremendous help to be able to spend that time with someone—being in a different environment, seeing different faces, being in a different house, going to a different church—rather than just sitting around by myself. I wasn’t with my wife; I wasn’t even with my kids; but I wasn’t alone.”
One word of warning, however. You may be tempted to reconnect with an acquaintance of the opposite sex. We’d encourage you to be very careful about doing so. If there is any potential for this connection to become romantic or sexual, it would be wise to make alternative plans. Most people, following divorce, are not emotionally ready for a relationship and could end up with additional hurt and pain as a result. The best scenario would be to make contact with an old friend of the same gender or a couple that you’ve had a friendship with over the years.
Become part of a support group:
A divorce support group is a place where you can connect with others who have an idea of what you’re going through. The new friends you meet at the group may also be facing the prospect of a holiday alone, and they can be an ever-present support through texting, phone calls, email, or just the knowledge that you’re sharing a similar situation. “I’ve met a lot of great friends at DivorceCare* [a network of support group programs],” shared Jennifer. “The ladies kept in touch over the holidays. We would email and call each other and check up on each other.” Andrew, too, found a solid support system through DivorceCare: “I built a network of friends who were always there for me that I could call and talk to.”
Spend time with others who might be alone that day:
Consider spending Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s with others who may be alone this holiday season: it could be someone without family nearby, a person who has experienced a loss or death, an elderly neighbor who lives alone, or other single parents. You could organize a potluck meal or meet for dinner out. Or plan an afternoon of board games and dessert.
Take a chance in asking people. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Again, please remember, making plans with an individual of the opposite sex is not a wise idea. You may think that starting a new relationship is the last thing on your mind, but understand that the other person may be at a different place than you, and you can be especially vulnerable over the holidays.
Let your family and friends know you don’t want to be alone:
Laura’s advice is to be upfront with your friends and family. “At the time of my divorce, almost all of my friends were married. I was too embarrassed to go to my friends and say, ‘Can I come to your house for Christmas? Because I don’t want to be alone.’ So I spent most of the day by myself, and it was horrible. Looking back, I know if I had told any one of those people what I was facing, they would have leapt at the opportunity to help me through that. They just didn’t know. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to be the one to tell people we need help this Christmas.”
If you do spend time with relatives or friends, tell them in advance that you might be struggling with some tough emotions on that day. Let them know what would be helpful to you (e.g., letting you have time alone on the porch, if needed) and what would not be helpful (e.g., airing their negative opinions about your ex and how lousy you must be feeling).
Yes, you will have grief on that day, as you are experiencing the loss of what may have been a very special family time in the past. Even though your holiday will not be the same as it used to be, it can still be an enjoyable experience. Joy, peace, and good thoughts can exist even amidst trials.
Before you find yourself being ambushed by difficult emotions triggered by the prospect of a holiday alone, make the decision to set a holiday plan in motion. By having a plan in place beforehand, you’ll be prepared to overcome those negative thoughts and emotions, instead of being rendered helpless. Now is the time to start planning!
*About DivorceCare
DivorceCare is a network of thousands of divorce recovery support groups designed to help people facing the pain of separation and divorce. These groups are made up of people who understand the depth of your emotions, your feelings of rejection and betrayal, your questions of “Why?” and your desperation. DivorceCare helps you move from hurting to healing, as you walk forward through the days, weeks, and months after your separation or divorce.
DivorceCare also has a correlating program for children of divorce or separation: DivorceCare for Kids. DC4K offers games, music, videos, crafts, and more for children ages 5–12, each aspect designed to help children identify and cope with their emotions and learn to communicate concerns with their parents.
To find a DivorceCare group near you, visit www.divorcecare.org or call 800-489-7778. To find a DC4K group, go to www.dc4k.org. For information on DivorceCare’s special Surviving the Holidays one-time events, call the number above or visit www.divorcecare.org/holidays.
Kathy Leonard is the co-author of Divorce Care: Hope, Help, and Healing During and After Your Divorce and Through a Season of Grief. She is the editorial director for The Church Initiative, Inc., the parent organization of DivorceCare.